The View from Inside

It has been quite some time since I have sat down to write. Too long. Writing is therapy for me, only sometimes I drift so far from whom I really am, that the windows into what lies beneath seem to be temporary “curtained”. It’s through these times when I am simply put, unable to find words which project my innermost thoughts/emotions. I have found the past 12 months to be an intense time of seeking. I have always felt there is “more to the picture”. There are so many gray areas that one day I looked around & realized I had let myself slip into the gray with a fury (shortly after the passing of my Kaycee in June). I looked around. Gray trees, gray faces, gray voices, gray grass, gray laughter, gray conversation…how could this be? Just a few months earlier I had felt so on top of the game, so in touch with the most meaningful things in life & so close to achieving definite color within my spectrum of living.

I am reading a number of books right now. I couldn’t decide on which to read first so I go through a chapter of each as often as possible. The titles are as follows:

The Power of Now – Eckhart Toll

On Life and Death – Kubler-Ross

Life Lessons – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler

And last but not least, my personal favorite:

A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose – Eckart Tolle

As you can see from the above titles that for me, this has been a time of deep (and also incredibly satisfying!) soul searching. I would recommend the books by Tolle to anyone but an open mind is a must as the color portrayed through these words doesn’t mesh with the gray very well.

What if you are enough? What if you are doing just fine? What if you are EXACTLY where you need to be right now? What if you are doing extremely well on your journey (whether you believe it or not)?

Isn’t that such a nice relief to consider? For years I sought out that “fulfillment” thinking that one day, some day, I would find what I was looking for. I assumed there had to be something making my heart beat so hard. I imagined what it would be like to achieve all of these dreams so much that I had forgotten what my ultimate dream even was! (I still can’t remember but have now realized there is something deeper than chasing dreams to this life thing!).

I’ve always listened to the voice in my head . Is it not the source of all of our madness?! If we could all turn off the voice in our heads for just 5 minutes would we not have 5 minutes in a world with complete and utter peace? Have you ever sat back to listen to the voice in your head? Have you ever watched and listened to it from another place, another part of you? It is amusing isn’t it? Sometimes I wonder what the people would do if they could hear the voices in each other’s heads! Would they think everyone was CRAZY? Well…until they listened to their own which would be an awfully humbling experience, wouldn’t it?

I had an amazing opening to explore the “Oneness” we can achieve, while living in the mountains of western Montana, far away from just about every distraction I could possibly list. I rarely kept up on the news, I carefully filtered negativities from entering this peaceful world out there, I tried hard to not take part in the “ventilations” from this world. It was my first step toward true enlightenment.  I still am (obviously) working on getting to that place and each step along the way I am so eager for more.

With each passing negative thought I realize that there must be something in me that feels that thought is “Valuable” or can bring something to the table in other words. What I have realized is that so many of these thoughts really can bring nothing to the table at all! Why have them? The separation that has come from this realization from my “ego” self to my true self is an experience to be had beyond any travel, any item, anything fathomable in this material world. Ah there is something there I can’t let go of, as it is so good – and most of all, finally, so colorful without a burp in between leaving me one step closer to where it is that I wish to be.

I used to use this blog as diary for memories spent doing something many said we were crazy to try. I do not regret having the written memories, as I imagine – someday they will be fun to read back on. I however, do look forward to looking deeper now & recording thoughts from along the journey. I will adopt a new theme now. One of my dearest friends in this life titled his blog, “The Unexplored Inside.” On my 31^st birthday I found out that I had lost this friend to the other side after an incredible 12 year friendship, the most beautiful, incredible person you will ever meet chewed up by the bitterness of this world and hung out to dry. He was my inspiration for years, the world’s greatest friend, my mentor, & my hero.  He loved to explore these thoughts & ideas and for years we corresponded regarding whatever “epiphanies” we encountered on our daily treks. I am urged by a desire deep within my spirit to continue this “work” as I am finding myself to feel as if I have been a grizzly in a deep sleep for the winter, slowly coming back to life within a world I haven’t seen for so long, flourishing all around me.

I write this from the quietness of a warm apartment where I am having a love affair with plumbing, electric, and being able to cook/store food. As much as I wouldn’t change a thing about using snow drifts as an ice box or taking care of business in -20 (but with the most gorgeous view a person could imagine!) I still feel a strong urge to get “back to business” and move forward.

I have a number of “projects” that I am working on & am excited about what the future has in store but those are just “things”. I am remembering again now what matters most…

“Life is the dancer  - You are the Dance”

Who knew?!

I must have missed that memo in school.

Happy New Year Everyone! May 2012 bring to you much joy, prosperity, good health, and peace. But most of all peace as that seems to be the root for the rest of good things :)