For now...no more living in the camper. No more living in the mountainous region of Western Montana even.  No more hauling water or staring wolves and moose in the eye while on a "stroll" in the  50,000 Acre “back yard”.

Life sure is interesting, isn’t it? We work so hard, make plans, dream dreams, anticipate certain challenges, and take such joy in thinking we actually might know what tomorrow brings. We walk around picturing ourselves as “this” or “that” and tell ourselves – “Hey! This is me!” We get so focused on what we pictured in our heads that we miss out on what actually IS in the moment.

One of my most memorable life lessons is #9,873. The one that entails a woman who turned 30 and suddenly felt like she had to do something with her life. Not just anything, something more challenging then she had ever done before. After all, would this not FORCE me to feel more alive than I had ever felt before? Would it make me feel like I had done that "something" significant in my life that I always had desired?  Are these not our driving forces in life? Is it not the quest for happiness (in whatever form that might take) that causes us to move forward in sometimes unexplainable and the most random of ways?

When we are NOT content with whom and what we are inside we can NOT find contentment in life. If we do not see ourselves as the priceless and true beauties that we are we will not permit ourselves to enjoy the life experience according to our undeniable truth. Life lesson #9,895.

Let me share with you a little bit about our journey. Let’s go back to when I met my bestest friend. His name is Brandon:

Not just the kind of best friend you claim to have 20 different times in your life but my BEST friend. He “got” me. He listened, he understood, he did not judge, he did not condemn and most of all he loved me with a love I had never known before from a man. An “always with positive regard” love more then a romantic love (although he sneaks in plenty of romance as well - it is not the basis of what we have together.) Its REAL.

We played for the first two years like frolicking teens.  We explored EVERY nook and cranny of every valley in every mountain range in Western Montana & Northern Idaho. We found hot springs, dream camp spots, jeep trails like I’ve never imagined could exist, incredible ghost towns, we were blessed to be able to travel to foreign tropical places and our faces hurt from laughing so hard 85% of the time. We had the best times of our entire lives. We spent a lot of money enjoying this season of not having to worry about a mortgage or how to feed the kids if you know what I mean. I’ve never been much for blowing through money and always had this linger in the back of my head, “This is irresponsible! Fun but irresponsible!” It wasn’t long before my plague of seriousness began to intrude into my best friend’s world and we began to conjure up ideas on how to actually “move forward” in life by making wise(r) decisions. Of course, by “moving forward” I mean – we began to think about how we could better become the image in societies eyes of “a successful couple”. Because that's all it really was, was meeting up to expectations we were conditioned to believe were true.

We began to picture ourselves 10 years down the road which eventually etched images into our minds of what we had to "acquire" or "accomplish" in the near future.

We discussed dreams. One of them was to successfully be self-employed. We discussed what our home looked like when we closed our eyes, we were always able to finish describing the details of these dreams for one another – these dreams of ours were in perfect alignment.  So after the season of playfulness we began to feel we needed to be doing something more than simply playing and spending money. We found ourselves overwhelmed with excitement in regards to what was to come & not for a moment did we not anticipate how amazing life would be “in the tomorrow”.

            The Property Search Begins!
One gorgeous spring day we were driving down a gravel road about 7 miles outside of town and saw the most beautiful piece of property. We naturally assumed it was million dollar property – something we could never afford. It was BEAUTIFUL! Green, grassy meadows, a full creek, a variety of beautiful evergreens. Upon our return to town, Brandon convinced me to “just run in” to the real estate office to check on it as it was for sale.

We were ECSTATIC when we realized that purchasing this property was actually sort of a teeny bit possible.  It wasn’t exactly in our price range but we could afford it if we kept the purse strings tight. How we were going to get the house on it later we didn’t know yet but how could we let our DREAM property slip through our hands! After all, it was our DREAM property, it matched perfectly what we had imagined! Our low ball offer was counter offered to our dismay. Our new offer was accepted one day while standing on a boulder on the property with our real estate agent and my mother. Finding out it would be ours was one of the most exciting moments we had ever shared thus far. For weeks we walked around in this place in awe, in utter amazement.

After closing we decided we needed to put the property to use as soon as possible as rent on top of the land payment would be difficult. We were not exactly sure about the home plans yet and wanted time to pick a perfect spot and a perfect cabin. This was when I had the brilliant idea of living in a camper while these things solidified. I could stay, witness a winter season there, find out where the sun hits – where it doesn’t hit, and we could be ON site while planning. I took this very seriously and also considered it a money saver as we would no longer be paying rent. In addition to all of those perks I really  just wanted to live in a camper in the mountains! I love the mountains, I love nature, I love that property and I LOVE challenge. Living in a camper in the mountains of western Montana seemed to be JUST the challenge I was looking for to spice up my life!

Took a few weeks to warm Brandon up to this idea.

Speaking for myself, I felt I needed this. I needed time to “soul search”. To rid my life of all of the clutter, the chaos, the ridiculousness of everyday life, and I especially was yearning to escape the “human drama”…at least for a while. Wanted to find out exactly who I was without it. And I did.  

I also appreciated knowing that my survival depended on me and me alone (for the most of the time). That I could live using less than 1 gallon of water a day and that 5 gallons was a much appreciated "treat". I needed to walk through the trees with the dogs on those brisk winter mornings with nothing but nature surrounding me. Untouched, unspoiled, nature.  I never truly found beauty in -20 temperatures until I lived in that camper. The most serene, peaceful, and majestic moments I have ever encountered in nature happened while out there. Moments I could never describe as my words could never truly paint the picture in your head of what I am referring to.

I picked the harshest winter Montana had seen in over a decade to do this but you know - the camper was cozy. Typically, it was warm all day long – it felt like a little cabin in the mountains.  Of course, there were mornings when the batteries would be dead, the camper would be 20 degrees. Not so cozy but when the heater came back on the warmth was especially appreciated.

I wasn’t sure how I would like “taking care of business” in -20 or -30 out in the woods over a hole in the ground but after a while found it oddly refreshing. It was the best view we’ve ever had on a toilet! I didn’t like going out at night so learned to time things like these early on.

This life did bring the “play time” to a bit of a halt but only in the sense that we didn’t travel as much.  It was such a cold winter – if we left we would risk the whole place freezing up which could mean disaster so we stuck around for the majority of the time. We still had the most amazing moments. We played in the snow, rolled snowballs half the size of the old jeep. We went sledding, snowshoeing, for walks, took a ton of photos, etc.  We believe that this particular winter was the most amazing and unforgettable winters of our lives.

I began to plan home building and put on my general contractor hat around February or so.  It was fitting pretty well & things were lining up decent enough. We had hired an architect to do blue prints for a gorgeous 2000 square foot mountain home. I began bidding out different jobs and seeking financing for this project. We were CONVINCED that this was everything we wanted and more. Unfortunately, financing a house on vacant land has NOT been easy for a few years now so that was a struggle but I was determined we would figure it out so we kept planning.

“Just waiting on Spring now”, I would say. March came and left. More snow- More cold. April was like a cold day in Wisconsin in January. May was the same. I began to question whether winter would ever be over. I had been living in the camper 8 months by now not one of them with no snow. We had occasional nice days. Brandon was able to clear the building site and built a driveway to it with his step fathers trusty back ho. This fueled our excitement. Slowly, to my delight I began to see the snow melt a little bit each day.

This is my "Happy it feels like spring face"

                                     Farewell my Love.

In early June, still waiting for winter to end, one of the most difficult days of my life had arrived.  For 15 years my best furry friend who had stood at my side, spooned me at night, licked my tears, and was the greatest listener bid me farewell.  She loved me with an unconditional love that was so big I could never truly understand just how unconditional it was.  June 6, 2011 was the day we said goodbye.  One moment  she was hiking along the river with us and the next moment she began to shut down. It was a very graphic death that unfortunately lasted overnight and into the next day which coincidentaly was a Sunday and the first nice day of the year for us so finding a veterinarian was extremely difficult.

Upon arrival to Missoula which was where the only place we could find who would “help” my girl I held my breath as if it weren’t true. It was much more heartbreaking than I could have even imagined. Brandon carried her in like a baby, she was so weak her head rolled back and we locked eyes as he took her up the steps into the clinic. I held her as she went to sleep, whispered into her ear that she was a good girl for the last time, and cried into her fur as she slipped away.

                      Why is something that is so inevitable the most difficult to accept?

I  felt like my left leg was sawed off and I was slowly bleeding to death. She was not human, but she was my heart.

Around this time we had an opportunity either continue on the house project or take on a business opportunity with a close family member. Both were dreams, our biggest dreams. We decided to pursue the business opportunity & put the house on hold.

The summer was HECTIC! Brandon would return from work for us to go back to work. We began skipping our date nights and CONSTANTLY were working on one thing or the other. We knew it would pay off so didn’t mind. Initially, we enjoyed quite a few moments, some more than others. Then the stress came. Also, we needed a place to live & quick.

In the blink of an eye, life suddenly became a job. We promised one another to never allow a “job” to intrude on the things we had learned to cherish so much. Especially each other.  

Believe it or not, the camper life in the summer was more difficult than in the winter. Especially with no plumbing (our hot water tank had busted when the furnace went out & had not yet been replaced). Dust, Dirt, Sweat, Mice, MANY Mosquitoes, etc. only placed more urgency on the “finding a place to live thing”. Long story short (not that this is a short story but it is the real story) the tension from these recent events had us both in a place of feeling unsure as to where we were and where we were going in our lives. It’s difficult to describe, but come last summer that of which we had embraced so dearly seemed to had been thrown on the back burner if that makes sense.

In hindsight, we now realize that this “season”  I speak of was necessary as without it we would not have grown in the ways we had. We are closer now because of this time in our lives & wouldn’t change a thing as if we changed a thing we wouldn’t be where we are at TODAY and that’s what really matters, is it not?

                    Life lesson #10,101: Everything happens because it is SUPPOSED to happen.

Summer lasted a couple of months of which we spent the most of in our off time in extreme Southwest Montana. Before I knew it the signs of old man winter were returning again. We pulled the camper out and were in search of a home. We knew it could be years until the cabin would go up, and to be honest with you – we began to question whether or not we even WANTED to live there full time. Most of you might think we are crazy if you’ve seen the photos! It is an undeniable truth that this place is paradise on earth. But it’s a very cold paradise on a north face with little sun & LONG winters. And we never were really able to connect with many like minded folks in the area. Basically, our dreams began to drift elsewhere. Where? We didn’t know and at this point we didn’t care as much.

By the end of the summer we were exhausted. We were stressed out and not balanced. Both of us were looking inward and working through our own personal “trials” & nothing seemed quite right. It felt like we had hopped paths to one we didn’t really want to be on even though previously we were convinced it was all we wanted. At the same time, we had to find balance in order to continue to give our all to our “work” as well as removing from the back burner our #1's. Each other.

We knew all would be well, we never doubted that but somehow we had immersed ourselves back in the human drama, back in a life we had fought so hard to break free from.  Things had been SO incredibly peaceful that this “reality check” forced us to stop in our tracks in order to go back to square one. The square where we were so happy & healthy in so many ways.

We had always been so happy so the reality check was actually this. Why were we less happy as we were watching our dreams unfold in our very hands? Originally We had been happy because we found it within. The moment we began to seek it on an external level it began to slip away. At some point, a home, a business, etc. became important enough that we thought our levels of bliss was dependent on these things. We were happy before them (very happy) but it was when we assumed these things would make us HAPPIER that we fell off the path we had so enjoyed and appreciated. We had listened to the voices in our heads that said to us, “This isn’t enough, you need more” .

                                 This was when our emotional/spiritual stability was compromised.

Have you seen a happy couple who thought "more" meant "better"?

Life lesson # 10,342: You ARE enough. You ARE significant just as you are. We knew at our deepest level that whatever we had been doing before all of this was what we needed to do again. What were we doing before all of this you ask? We were living in the Present moment. We were not worried about tomorrow as the joy in today was so great that there really was no need to focus on trying to “read into the future”.  We didn't necessarily feel this entailed any action on our part whatsoever other then finding ourselves in a state of gratitude and holding onto it no matter what we were doing or where we were doing it.

                      Get a place to live that has plumbing and room for an office. CHECK!

We rented a cheap apartment & to this day I STILL savor every last drop of warm water out of that shower head!

We began date nights again (or for us it’s more like “date jeep rides” and scenic tours. We have so enjoyed getting back into the groove of doing what “we do”!

It has been almost magical how fast things replenished themselves. It was a tough summer and within weeks of re-learning to live in the Present moment we found ourselves with smiles on our faces & sparkles in our eyes.

So for those of you who wonder what REALLY has been going on out here – this has been it! For Christmas, Brandon’s mother gave us seasons passes for the back side of Big Sky ski resort. Winter in the camper was great. Winter on the back side of Big Sky every week was INCREDIBLE!  

We have had a change of plans with the project we had been working on and are trusting it is all for the best! We feel really good about everything that is happening and although are excited to see what the future holds we are most excited about what we hold right here & right now. What we hold right here and right now is all we ever need. We embrace this with everything that we are....again. And love it!

Flash back with me for a moment to the previous winter (or about 20 pages ago if you are counting). Cozy in the camper, making soups, playing in the snow drifts, walks through that brisk mountain air….that whole bit.

I have been accused of being strange for my desire to experience life in this manner. Perhaps it is strange to others but it's not to me. It felt more normal to me then most any of the madness we find ourselves in out in the "real world."

I am recalling a particular afternoon. I was walking along the drive which was freshly plowed. It was a pristine but cold day. The dogs were having a blast playing in the snow, running circles around me. The snow was crisp under my feet from the cold.

I stopped for a moment or three looking around in utter amazement at the beauty that had been unfolding before my eyes. It was so quiet, so still. The only sound I could hear now was the sound of my breath & the beating of my heart.

For the first time in my life I realized why I was so drawn to the wilderness. It did not worry about tomorrow, next week or next month. It did not label things as “good or bad”. It simply was. It didn’t need to be anything more than it already was.  It was completely THERE with me and in this moment I realized for the first time that we are part of something that is much greater then we could ever comprehend.  No words, no labels, no judgments. When you leave that all behind, what do you have left?  What do you have when you stop trying to describe or explain things with sounds from your mouth? What do you have during that moment when you realize that there is no possible way for you to truly describe that which surrounds you? It’s the moment when you completely surrender to what is, no longer resisting it, no longer fighting it in attempt to prove “your rightness”. The moment when you just accept what is without needing to understand it.  It was the moment for me, when I could completely shut off my mind. There was no use for it here in this moment as I knew it would do no justice to that which surrounded me.

                                                               The journey continues...

Brandon too experienced this “place” of letting go of all of those conditioned thoughts which continuously run an incessant stream of (mostly) meaningless chatter. We both realized how amazing it is to not only be of sound mind but of still mind. We were reminded of how our minds are tools to be used to complete tasks.

Basically,  I’m speaking about the moments we had begun to learn how to“turn the mind off”, even when things aren’t going “you’re way”.  And instead of replaying the past a hundred times a day or speculating the future by stressing and pretending you are a psychic you can simply let what is, be what is. If its not “comfortable” this doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not “good”, right? And just because its not “good” it doesn’t  mean it’s “bad”. It just is. When the trees were hit by the beetle kill they did not wallow on one another, they simply returned to the earth in order to allow new, healthy growth.

Being able to slowly separate from identifying with that of which streams through our minds had/has taken us to a place of being one step closer to knowing who we really are. We are beings, eternal & beautiful. We are enough, always. This was, without a doubt, the biggest stepping stone as we literally learned to put these things into practice the following summer. Life gives you what you need in order to grow. We can fight it and potentially have it kick the crap out of us or we can accept as gracefully as possible furthering us along on our journey. It is our thoughts who deceive us and mislead us into believing that they are truth when it fact they are fleeting and often destructive.

Who would have guessed but CJ turned out to be SO much like Kaycee that some days it hardly feels like she is gone. I am overcome by this love we have for CJ and her perfect place in this world.

We are still working hard, but have found many ways to stay centered and grounded. Winter flew by as did Spring. This winter was a breeze! Before we knew it summer has arrived. After 2 years the old CJ7 jeep is back up and going. We have been picnicking, hiking, morel hunting, jeeping, etc. with our down time (and now we ALWAYS find at least a few hours of down time a week).

For those of you who are curious about our plans....well - we sort of quit planning after our planning department failed us. Our dreams have morphed a bit. We wouldn’t mind heading south someday soon – Colorado in particular. Maybe a little town deep in the mountains where the masses have not hit yet. We love the mountains down there, the winters are milder, and the people are real friendly.

But really...What does tomorrow REALLY bring? Who knows!

In the morning, the love of my life will arrive back from his night shift & will drift to sleep a lot faster then he used to be able to. We have found it interesting how many different “facets” in our lives have changed. We savor every moment again. It’s even more interesting how what we had been searching for all of that time was actually right here all along.

So, a week later (literally I’ve been working on this for a week lol) and I think I will wrap this up.

 None of us are perfect in the world’s eyes but when was the last time we all remembered the world is full of crazy, self-seeking, loonies? So phooey on the world and its attempts to “program” you to think you aren’t good enough. Phooey on the voice in your head which beats you up and drags you through hell.  









                       Life Lesson #10,897: Here. And. Now.

Sending love from a cozy apartment on a stormy Montana night,

Em

The View from Inside

It has been quite some time since I have sat down to write. Too long. Writing is therapy for me, only sometimes I drift so far from whom I really am, that the windows into what lies beneath seem to be temporary “curtained”. It’s through these times when I am simply put, unable to find words which project my innermost thoughts/emotions. I have found the past 12 months to be an intense time of seeking. I have always felt there is “more to the picture”. There are so many gray areas that one day I looked around & realized I had let myself slip into the gray with a fury (shortly after the passing of my Kaycee in June). I looked around. Gray trees, gray faces, gray voices, gray grass, gray laughter, gray conversation…how could this be? Just a few months earlier I had felt so on top of the game, so in touch with the most meaningful things in life & so close to achieving definite color within my spectrum of living.

I am reading a number of books right now. I couldn’t decide on which to read first so I go through a chapter of each as often as possible. The titles are as follows:

The Power of Now – Eckhart Toll

On Life and Death – Kubler-Ross

Life Lessons – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler

And last but not least, my personal favorite:

A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose – Eckart Tolle

As you can see from the above titles that for me, this has been a time of deep (and also incredibly satisfying!) soul searching. I would recommend the books by Tolle to anyone but an open mind is a must as the color portrayed through these words doesn’t mesh with the gray very well.

What if you are enough? What if you are doing just fine? What if you are EXACTLY where you need to be right now? What if you are doing extremely well on your journey (whether you believe it or not)?

Isn’t that such a nice relief to consider? For years I sought out that “fulfillment” thinking that one day, some day, I would find what I was looking for. I assumed there had to be something making my heart beat so hard. I imagined what it would be like to achieve all of these dreams so much that I had forgotten what my ultimate dream even was! (I still can’t remember but have now realized there is something deeper than chasing dreams to this life thing!).

I’ve always listened to the voice in my head . Is it not the source of all of our madness?! If we could all turn off the voice in our heads for just 5 minutes would we not have 5 minutes in a world with complete and utter peace? Have you ever sat back to listen to the voice in your head? Have you ever watched and listened to it from another place, another part of you? It is amusing isn’t it? Sometimes I wonder what the people would do if they could hear the voices in each other’s heads! Would they think everyone was CRAZY? Well…until they listened to their own which would be an awfully humbling experience, wouldn’t it?

I had an amazing opening to explore the “Oneness” we can achieve, while living in the mountains of western Montana, far away from just about every distraction I could possibly list. I rarely kept up on the news, I carefully filtered negativities from entering this peaceful world out there, I tried hard to not take part in the “ventilations” from this world. It was my first step toward true enlightenment.  I still am (obviously) working on getting to that place and each step along the way I am so eager for more.

With each passing negative thought I realize that there must be something in me that feels that thought is “Valuable” or can bring something to the table in other words. What I have realized is that so many of these thoughts really can bring nothing to the table at all! Why have them? The separation that has come from this realization from my “ego” self to my true self is an experience to be had beyond any travel, any item, anything fathomable in this material world. Ah there is something there I can’t let go of, as it is so good – and most of all, finally, so colorful without a burp in between leaving me one step closer to where it is that I wish to be.

I used to use this blog as diary for memories spent doing something many said we were crazy to try. I do not regret having the written memories, as I imagine – someday they will be fun to read back on. I however, do look forward to looking deeper now & recording thoughts from along the journey. I will adopt a new theme now. One of my dearest friends in this life titled his blog, “The Unexplored Inside.” On my 31^st birthday I found out that I had lost this friend to the other side after an incredible 12 year friendship, the most beautiful, incredible person you will ever meet chewed up by the bitterness of this world and hung out to dry. He was my inspiration for years, the world’s greatest friend, my mentor, & my hero.  He loved to explore these thoughts & ideas and for years we corresponded regarding whatever “epiphanies” we encountered on our daily treks. I am urged by a desire deep within my spirit to continue this “work” as I am finding myself to feel as if I have been a grizzly in a deep sleep for the winter, slowly coming back to life within a world I haven’t seen for so long, flourishing all around me.

I write this from the quietness of a warm apartment where I am having a love affair with plumbing, electric, and being able to cook/store food. As much as I wouldn’t change a thing about using snow drifts as an ice box or taking care of business in -20 (but with the most gorgeous view a person could imagine!) I still feel a strong urge to get “back to business” and move forward.

I have a number of “projects” that I am working on & am excited about what the future has in store but those are just “things”. I am remembering again now what matters most…

“Life is the dancer  - You are the Dance”

Who knew?!

I must have missed that memo in school.

Happy New Year Everyone! May 2012 bring to you much joy, prosperity, good health, and peace. But most of all peace as that seems to be the root for the rest of good things :)